tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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