i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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