Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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