If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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