when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
