I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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