I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
