she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
