I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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