I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
