remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
