I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
