I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
