He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
