I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
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