The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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