I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
