tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
