The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Watching her eat just hurts me
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
