I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
