Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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