I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
