I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
