i already hear my dad disowning me
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
