This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Life is so much better after having sex.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I don't deserve a penis
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
