Swine flu. Run for my life!
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
