Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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