My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
