He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
