Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
