and you said cock pushups were impossible
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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