If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
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