You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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