Please, let me fuck your mom
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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