I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
