i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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