Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
