the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
