I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
