No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
