I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
