I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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