I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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