just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
