OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
