The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
