i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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