I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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