I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
