so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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